shadow of my own darkness

I want to hide in the shadow of my own darkness
I want to disappear in the black of night, to dissolve for good
Feeling like I had to be gentle to her, as she is so nice
while at the same time, seeing that this whole thing is so vain
the suffering is not real, it is just a construct, I need to open up again
but I don't really want to - that is the trap I built for myself now
I'm afraid I won't be happy again, as being happy would make me vulnerable and open to being hurt again
but then what is left for me? nothing
feeling nothing, and waiting for the end
for the cold hands of death to grab me and take me into oblivion
as I'm now unable to feel happiness and love
I don't trust people
I don't trust nice people either
that place is dark and empty
oh, we have to pay taxes to stay there?!